I’ve been working on driving for the past year or so. I got my license way, way back when, but buying a car was beyond my means, and I had no desire to work my ass off full time over summers, after school, to be able to afford a car. I was never so social or adventurous, so what would I have even used it for? Where would the time have been to use it for anything besides work, or commuting to school. I mean, the library was only a half mile down the road; walking that meant I got my steps in and it’s not exactly worth wasting the gas for.

So for over 20 years, driving, and cars, and traffic, have been other people’s problems. The bus is slow, but I’ve never found it stressful. I go to work, hang out with friends, do whatever, and listen to the talk of how crazy traffic was, how accidents were narrowly avoided or not, how much car maintenance and repair and insurance costs, and only smile in the knowledge I haven’t had to worry about it. Day to day, the bus expense is still an expense and might balance out, or be more than driving a car, depending on how much you drive.

And every single time I’ve thought about getting back into driving, or, when I was single, actually buying a car, somebody in my life would get in an accident or have some other exorbitant car-related cost.

For the past two years I’ve had to Uber or Lyft at least one way to work. This has added up way beyond what is reasonable to spend on such a luxury. Like, way too much.

I just… wasn’t… quite… ready. Except of course I was. With a little practice I think I’m just about as good a driver as any other asshole on the road, I’m just not as confident, and confidence goes a long damn way in any area of life, regardless of actual capability.

The big question for myself this past year has been: WHY. Why is it so difficult for me to get past some of these smallest of roadblocks when other assholes and nitwits just plow through them? not to mention the timid and insecure, anxiety-ridden and depressed. Is it just that I stubbornly don’t want to. In the words of Melville’s immortal Bartleby, is it that I just would prefer not to? It’s not an obvious trait of mine that with some things I can be incredibly obstinate. And fuck everyone who tries to bully, shame, or peer pressure me into doing anything I’m not totally comfortable or doing. I even dig my heels in when I suspect reverse psychology, or an attempt to to trigger spite: you don’t think I can do something (that I don’t want to do and am uncomfortable trying?) Well, HA! I will not give in and I will CONTINUE to prove your cynical assumption correct. Is this reverse spite?

It should be noted that my wife has always been incredibly understanding and patient, and she remained so as she showed me the driving-ropes again over this past year: it’s the little things that can trip me up, the tiny social cues on the road that everyone knows but no one really talks about except in terms of “common sense” which is never, ever, actually common: it makes sense, but is in no way immediately intuitive.

The strategy I came up with first involved a lack of pressure; I’m doing this on my own damn terms. To take the next step after getting comfortable with driving around with my wife in the passenger seat, I drove the half mile to the grocery store and back by myself. That felt nice. I like the walk: I can listen to an audiobook, get some air, get some steps in. But the drive was all over in a moment.

And to do that I just decided I would have to do it on a whim one early morning before my wife was awake, just get the keys (the keys are now in my hand, why would I put them back down), go down and get in the car (I am now in the car, and it would be embarrassing to just get out again and go back upstairs and put the keys back), and do the two minute drive. Just, you know, Nike it. Just do it. Don’t think about it, don’t worry about it.

So I did that a few times and of course it was smooth and easy. No one looked at me funny like I shouldn’t be driving. No one looked at me at all: everything was so normal no one even noticed anything. I mean… they had no reason to, obviously, but actually experiencing that lack of reaction was the best thing. I even told my wife not to make any kind of deal about it. Just a casual “that’s awesome” is perfect; an acknowledgment, but not effusive, enthusiastic praise.

Next was the drive to work: about 20 minutes, few turns, but down a relatively busy street. I’d done it a dozen times with her in the passenger seat. I casually suggested that I felt I would do it sometime soon (nonspecific) and, like the short ride to the grocery store, just get in the car and go. And a few nights later, on a Saturday night, I just went.

That meant I would also have to just come back in the morning. But one thing I have always been pretty good about is dealing with stressful situations that, in the moment, have a clear and obvious solution. With that solution comes a sort of quiet determination and a reconciliation with the inevitable. On balance, the alternative would just be way too stressful in itself and would be a major inconvenience to my wife and myself. That thought confirms that the only obvious solution is also the least stressful option. When that moment arrived, it was super simple.

And I’ve kept it up for a week straight and don’t plan on going back ride share apps. I will need practice in the snow eventually. If it snowed like crazy tomorrow, yeah I’m not really ready for that.

I am fond of spreadsheets, and keeping track of general day to day things I get curious about. While I’m not going to calculate how much money I’ve already spent on ride shares (I don’t want to get that depressed), I will absolutely continue keeping track of exactly how much I would have spent on them, how much I spend on gas, and exactly how much I’m saving each day, week, month. I’m actually a really cheap, thrifty bastard so seeing these numbers add up is a really good motivator.

The question now is how to apply this strategy to other parts of my life, from the little things like singing karaoke in public, to pursuing advancements at work; to getting the motivation and momentum to work on personal projects that I have been putting off for far, far too long. To getting back in touch with old friends, and remaining in touch, making more of an effort in my social life. Just living a little more.

Just pushing through those gauzy veils, those beady curtains, towards a slightly more rewarding existence.